He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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