Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize