After last night, I could never be a politician.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
