Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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