There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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