I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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