I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
