Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
