my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
