Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
