I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
