She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
