I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
