I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
