dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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