so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
