its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
