I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
