I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
