if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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