this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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