I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have aggressive nipples.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
