She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My dick has a subreddit
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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