I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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