I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
