You smell like a Billy Joel song
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
