the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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