i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
