Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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