If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
