On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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