If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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