Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
