come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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