i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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