DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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