walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
