Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My vagina just recognized that song.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
