I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
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