Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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