just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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