Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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