No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
