there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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