So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
