so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
