fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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