Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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