Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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