i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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