This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
