my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
