I am in a vortex of obligation.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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