apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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