put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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