we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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