He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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