Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
