Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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