Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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