And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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