Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
