so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
