At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
