she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
