So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
