I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
