yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
