Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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